I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
