Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
The uberlube is also flammable
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
