Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
