The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
