new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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