not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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