New invention idea: vibrating tampons
it was like his penis was on wheels.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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