$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize