Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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