Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
She bit a glass in half.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
