last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I stole a fireplace last night.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
