The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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