i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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