Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
