I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
