No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
