i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
this beer tastes like vomit already
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize