Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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