rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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