hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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