My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
