He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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