im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.