"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
