Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
