I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
