guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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