I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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