i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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