the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
