it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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