I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
