I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
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So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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