I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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