oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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