at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
