Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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