the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Church boner. Awkwardddd
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
