I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
