i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
