so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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