I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
