Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
