I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
