Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
we're making bets on your personal life
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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