I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Randomize
