haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
