Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
