Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
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Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
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I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people