I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
