I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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