I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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