I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
this will be a night to untag.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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