plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
