Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
we're making bets on your personal life
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
