I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
