Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
